My Confession

It all started in a dinky apartment room. 

While all my friends, including my boyfriend, left for awesome internships for the summer, I was left alone in in a cheap apartment with people I didn’t know. Noises occurred constantly throughout the night (my neighbors seemed to be perpetual partiers). I have always been a light sleeper, and noise keeps me awake, so I tried once or twice to ask the neighbors to keep the noise down, but this request was promptly disregarded. So there I was, hundreds of miles from my loved ones, and I felt backed into a corner…helpless…with nothing to do but wait for the summer to end. 

That’s when I stopped sleeping.

I would lie down to go to sleep and my heart would immediately kick into high gear. No matter how much I told myself that I was fine, or how tired I was, my body refused to listen to my head. My mouth would get dry from all my deep breathing, so I was drinking water, which of course made me have to go to the bathroom, which would distract me from falling asleep, and thus the vicious cycle would continue. It was after a full week of not sleeping that I finally caved and went to a doctor. That was when I was first diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I was put on medication for the first time, but I didn’t recover instantly. For the rest of the summer I would toss and turn for hours every night before my meds would kick in. I was constantly distracted from my work because worries would interrupt my thoughts and send me down a spiral of feeling helpless and alone. I experienced panic attacks and attacks of severe depression. I would feel so depressed about my life that I couldn’t even bring myself to get up off the ground. Sometimes I couldn’t imagine a time when I would ever be happy again. 

I was also so nervous and anxious during the day that my stomach would clench up and I couldn’t eat anything without getting nauseous. I lost over 20 lbs that summer, reaching the skinniest I have ever been, a mere 115 lbs (considering that my normal range is 130-140). I constantly felt tired, aching, and sluggish. The hobbies that normally perked me up felt useless now. I couldn’t even go running…my absolute favorite pastime. 

This is what anxiety and depression looks like at its worst. 

The good news is: I have never gotten this bad again. I will never let myself get this bad again. It is a constant battle between my anxiety and me; it might win a battle or two but it will never win the war.

1 Peter 5:6-8

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.  Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."