My Inexperience

I wanted to share one source of my anxiety. I long for stability. Having a job that will promise me 10+ years of a steady paycheck doing what I love to do. But my generation has it rough. It is devastating that the economy has caused so many good hardworking people to lose their jobs. Now those jobless people are desperate for a job, and their experience speaks for itself. That makes someone who has recently graduated from college look like a weaker candidate for the same job. The competition is tough, and we who have no experience yet are at a disadvantage. Those people who are older and more experienced are more qualified for the job and the company hiring doesn't have to train them. I guess with families depending on those people to get a job, and after all the work those people have already put in, I guess you would say that they deserve that job more. 

However, where does that leave the future generation? I can't tell you how many times I have applied for a job and I have been turned down saying "you are a great person and have a great GPA, but you don't have enough experience doing A, B, and C, and candidate 2 does." 

How am I supposed to get any experience doing anything if no employer will give me a chance to gain that experience? They say I need more experience but they don't want to waste their time training me. If the older generation doesn't invest in the future generation, then how are we ever going to take their place in the work world when they want to retire? 

Research has said that more 20 something people are being diagnosed with anxiety and depression than ever before, and I think the working world is to blame for it. Our educational system pushes us to take test after test, to get good grades and push our way to the top, then we go to college and push our way to the top of our graduating class, then we graduate and we have to fight to get a job, and then once we actually get a job, we have to fight to keep it and are constantly worrying about paying off loans, and whether we will be able to keep our job in order to start our lives. When does the fighting end? When can we finally rest? The rest isn't here yet, so I will continue to fight and to worry...

My Trigger

When you have anxiety you know that there are certain things that may set you off in life. Maybe it's when you have to take a test, or when you have to go to a large social event or right before you have to perform something. Whatever the trigger is, it's important to know it and recognize when you can avoid it, and when you have to just face it head on.

My trigger is change. Not just change from day to day but large changes to my normal daily routine. I wish I could have been a turtle in another life, because then I would be able to carry my home with me wherever I go. I am a homebody. I like having a home base to come back to and when that home base is disrupted, my anxiety beast will come out. So obviously traveling makes me nervous which is a shame because another part me longs to see the world. 

When I think back to the days before my anxiety began, I wonder how did I do the things I did? I was able to move from my family's home down to college on my own, I was able to sleep in a new bed with new sounds and new people. I also slept on people's floors, futons, and couches when we would come back really late from a party. During my time in Zambia (see my other blog Showers Travels!) I was able to sleep in a different bed almost every night...I even slept in a tent once! That person that I used to be was fearless...she was brave and tackled any obstacle that came her way with ease. I want that person back. I want to be able to travel on my own without having to pop pills in fear of a breakdown! Maybe I will get that person back again someday...but until then I must attempt bravery at every opportunity. 

My Confession

It all started in a dinky apartment room. 

While all my friends, including my boyfriend, left for awesome internships for the summer, I was left alone in in a cheap apartment with people I didn’t know. Noises occurred constantly throughout the night (my neighbors seemed to be perpetual partiers). I have always been a light sleeper, and noise keeps me awake, so I tried once or twice to ask the neighbors to keep the noise down, but this request was promptly disregarded. So there I was, hundreds of miles from my loved ones, and I felt backed into a corner…helpless…with nothing to do but wait for the summer to end. 

That’s when I stopped sleeping.

I would lie down to go to sleep and my heart would immediately kick into high gear. No matter how much I told myself that I was fine, or how tired I was, my body refused to listen to my head. My mouth would get dry from all my deep breathing, so I was drinking water, which of course made me have to go to the bathroom, which would distract me from falling asleep, and thus the vicious cycle would continue. It was after a full week of not sleeping that I finally caved and went to a doctor. That was when I was first diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I was put on medication for the first time, but I didn’t recover instantly. For the rest of the summer I would toss and turn for hours every night before my meds would kick in. I was constantly distracted from my work because worries would interrupt my thoughts and send me down a spiral of feeling helpless and alone. I experienced panic attacks and attacks of severe depression. I would feel so depressed about my life that I couldn’t even bring myself to get up off the ground. Sometimes I couldn’t imagine a time when I would ever be happy again. 

I was also so nervous and anxious during the day that my stomach would clench up and I couldn’t eat anything without getting nauseous. I lost over 20 lbs that summer, reaching the skinniest I have ever been, a mere 115 lbs (considering that my normal range is 130-140). I constantly felt tired, aching, and sluggish. The hobbies that normally perked me up felt useless now. I couldn’t even go running…my absolute favorite pastime. 

This is what anxiety and depression looks like at its worst. 

The good news is: I have never gotten this bad again. I will never let myself get this bad again. It is a constant battle between my anxiety and me; it might win a battle or two but it will never win the war.

1 Peter 5:6-8

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.  Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."

My Chemical Cocktail

I am here to address a misconception floating around in our society. I can’t tell you how many people I have met which say that depression and anxiety isn’t a real disease. They believe that it is all in your mind and if you have strong enough willpower that you can push it out of your mind. The people who can’t “shake” depression and anxiety on their own are seen as weak, lazy or drama queens. To take medications for either of these problems is like admitting to the world that you can’t handle the pressures of your own life. I have even had doctors tell me that they never prescribe medications that “mess with your head” because it isn’t “natural”.  There are many people out there who are too embarrassed to go to a doctor and admit that they have a problem in fear of being perceived as weak.

My name is Jessie and I have both anxiety and depression. They are ailments that I have struggled with for many years now, and I will probably continue to have struggle with this for the rest of my life. Now I don’t want you to feel bad for me, I would consider myself to be very lucky in life. I grew up in a loving Christian family, have many great friends, and am now married to the love of my life. With a background like that many people say “Your life sounds pretty great! Why would YOU struggle with depression?” Because depression/anxiety is not selective; they can go after anyone and at any time in their life.

Now I seem to have the cards stacked against me, because depression/anxiety runs in my family. Just like there are those that are more prone to contracting heart disease, or breast cancer or diabetes, mental disorders can be passed down through generations. I believe that my anxiety/depression is chemical imbalance in my brain, a grand cocktail of hormones and chemical receptors all churning together to create utter chaos when the time is right. Which is why I am an avid proponent of using medications to help keep the chemical cocktail party at bay so I can live my life normally.

I am hoping to use this blog to help enlighten those who don’t fully understand anxiety and depression and to gossip about my own life. I hope I can others also who are struggling with the same mental ailments and create a community in order to support one another. 

"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul" Psalm 94:19